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If you were hoping to start your week on a good note, exit this post. Nothing but pain and suffering lie ahead. R. Kelly has dropped a new 19-minute song on Instagram Live called “I Admit,” which is an extended admission of a lifetime of reprehensible behavior that falls just short of incriminating himself. (Think, like, O.J.’s If I Did It.) In it, Kelly addresses his many controversies, including his pedophilia, running an alleged sex cult, and Spotify briefly removing his music from its playlists. But if you were expecting confessions — as the song’s title baits — don’t: Kelly absolves himself of any and all blame. Here are the most egregious things he has to say.

He has sex with younger women, but he’s not a pedophile.

He doesn’t know what a sex cult is …

… but he’s sure he’s not running one …

… but if he were, it’s the women’s parents’ fault.

He’s scared of going to jail like Bill Cosby.

He’s just a man, y’all.

He thinks Spotify was in the wrong.

He, uh, feels misunderstood.

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